(Tape recorder begins.)
Good morning Retirement Plan Broadway! Or as you call yourself, let’s see, ummmm -sound of rifling papers – :Pipedreams. That’s apt.
–barely audible guffaws-
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to write 40 theater pieces in 10 years. –clears throat- That’s 20 plays and 20 musicals from September 2014 to August 2024…-starts giggling- Or 2 musicals and 2 plays every year for ten years. –breaks into maniacal laughter-
-voice regains composure- We accept this is an implausible mission for anyone. Why not even the theater titan Stephen Sondheim himself has written anything close to these numbers. (Perhaps Andrew Lloyd Weber has come closest but only by stealing music from Puccini and boring thousands into actually wanting to be knocked unconscious by the falling chandelier.) But you!? -harrumph-
Taking into consideration your considerable lack of talent, sad habitual laziness, your dismal lack of experience, an agoraphobic and technophobe’s ability at marketing, combined with your advanced age (which in your case we are predicting early onset dementia due to rampant drug use in the 90’s,) we find this mission to be…impossible.-sigh-
However, since you seem intent on not being a productive member of society, we agree, theater is the perfect fit for you! So we call your mission, Mission Implausible. Implausible not just because we agree: you cannot possibly write with such plentitude, and we don’t expect for these plays and musicals to triumph on Broadway and make you enough money to retire in the south of France to live like some Somerset Maugham character, who would clearly lack his elan, wit or taste. But because one of our secretaries handed me this quote in tears after watching some sap of a movie, written by what she tells me is a noted playright -rolls eyes- :
- Philip Henslowe: Mr. Fennyman, allow me to explain about the theatre business. The natural condition is one of insurmountable obstacles on the road to imminent disaster.
- Hugh Fennyman: So what do we do?
- Philip Henslowe: Nothing. Strangely enough, it all turns out well.
- Hugh Fennyman: How?
- Philip Henslowe: I don’t know. It’s a mystery.
So perhaps in this mystery, although we highly doubt it, things will turn out well. You see, if you whole-heartedly apply yourself -the minutest chance. From Impossible to Implausible.
Just kidding! You will fail utterly and miserably and we have decided to offer you this mission simply for our own sick schaudenfraudic glee. Also I know it would surprise you, but we also enjoy a good toe-tapping showtune from time to time. (Guns, spies and bombs surprisingly have the tendency to depress .)
Happy -uncontrollable laughter -writing,
The Mission Implausible Team.
This blog post and any confidence you have in your mission will self-destruct in 10 seconds.